| Parish Humour
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups: the sweet group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine
group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is"
group.
A man goes into his favorite cafe where the waiter immediately
brings him a bowl of soup. The customer signals the waiter
to come back.
"Taste the soup!" he commands.
"Why?" inquires the surprised waiter.
"Taste the soup!" comes the reply.
"Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years.
There's never been anything wrong with the soup."
"Taste the soup!"
"What's wrong, too much salt--not enough salt?"
"Taste the soup!"
"What, the matzo balls aren't fluffy enough for you?"
"TASTE THE SOUP!"
The waiter finally agrees, "All right all right, I'll taste
the soup! Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!" chortles Max.
Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands
to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee
with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Simple Guide to Food Hygiene
Freezer:
ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
IN THE FRIDGE:
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!.
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
LETTUCE - Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without a brillo pad. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.
CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost it's label, it's probably done.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if you live with someone else.
ON THE SHELF:
CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.
WINE - Should not be confused with salad dressing.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hoped I'd develop a taste for the stuff. It is so difficult to eat"
"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"
"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
During the summer when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a while, then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the pavement."
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